SLIVER


A sliver is usually a tiny splinter of wood that becomes lodged in your skin. You have two options. You can try and get the splinter out, usually by applying tweezers to the skin and squeezing the crap out of it, or you can let the splinter work it's way into your body.

Growing up, I always heard that if a splinter wasn't tweezed out, it could travel through your body and kill you. Not sure how. But I believed it, so I always opted to have a parent cause me tremendous amounts of pain to get this little wooden assassin out of my foot, hand, or other part of my body.

Sometimes tweezers aren't enough to get the splinter out. You might have to make another hole in yourself with a needle, and then coax the splinter out your new exit wound. I didn't make up this astounding medical procedure, my mom did. If splinters are the silent killer, how come this has never been addressed on an episode of E.R.? Some little boy falls on a wooden deck, and is rushed to the hospital with multiple wooden micro-stab wounds.

Once I became an adult(finally, some would say), I earned the right to choose how to handle my splinters. Do I gouge myself with tweezers and needles, actually making the hole in me much bigger? Or do I let the tiny little splinter continue it's long, arduous journey into my body, where it is programmed to seek out my vital organs and destroy them?

Well, I haven't used tweezers in years. I've accepted the splinters as a part of me. Some would say this is delayed euthanasia. Who knows, maybe all the splinters are slowly combining into one big wooden stake, which will one day rise up and pierce my brain, killing me instantly? This will probably happen while I am ordering food in a McDonalds "drive through" and it will take the employee operating the intercom many minutes to realize I'm dead, and not just one of the many idiots who can't decide what crappy food they want. Which, if you eat McDonalds food, is probably more deadly for you than a splinter.

I got a sliver last weekend.

Screw it.

New Reality Show!!!


Looking for people between ages 18-34, and their grandparents. The premise of the show is very simple, yet hard.

There are 3 contestants and their grandparents per show. ONE trivia question is asked.

State the purpose of the "Monroe Doctrine". If the contestant can't answer, the host replies "the Monroe Doctrine expressed opposition to European colonization in the Americas at the early part of the 19th century, you dummy dumb."

Then a very large muscular man walks over to your grandparents and punches one of them in the face. Hard. If you brought two grandparents, you pick which one gets their face caved in.

The host moves on to contestant #2 and asks the SAME question. If they can't answer it in exact wording, the above mentioned muscle man punches a grandparent super hard in...the...face.

I'm sure you can guess what contestant #3 has to do.

Move onto the lightning round. Same question, but now they have to say "the Monroe Doctrine expressed opposition to European colonization in the Americas at the early part of the 19th century" IN UNDER 5 SECONDS!!!

This time, if a contestant gets it wrong, muscle man punches the grandparent based on audience participation. The audience can vote to see a punch to the kidneys, spine, or more face tenderizing.

Final round. All contestants are entered into the finals, unless for some odd reason their grandparent passed away earlier in the show. Same question, but now you have to answer it in the form of sign language. If you can't 'sign it', muscle man skips over to your grandparents, who by now wished they had spent more time with you when you were younger.
However, muscle man refuses to continue the face punching.

As the grandparents sigh in relief, muscle man explains his knuckles are sore, so he grabs a grandparent and gives him a Tombstone Piledriver!!! You can actually see their souls float out of their lifeless mouths and drift into the air before dissipating with a low moan. Then the light fades from their eyes and they turn to dust as sad techno music wails in the background.

Game show concludes as host mentions the show's sponsors, while credits roll over still images of former contestants.

Look for it on Fox this fall.

Rode my bike to the grocery store, aisle seven, frozen foods.
Got me some Fish Sticks.

Went to the public swimming pool. Hot lifeguard said 75 cents. I said Fish Stick. Deal.

Saw a cat. Gave it Fish Stick. Then cat gets hit by car. I take my Fish Stick back. Still good.

Wrote paper about George Washington. Teacher gave me a "C". I gave her Fish Stick. She give me "A". And stickers. And I got to sharpen pencils.

Go to a dance. Put Fish Sticks in my shoes. Now I moonwalk like Michael.
Older boy being bully. I pull out two Fish Sticks, play his face like drums. Rescue girl. Share a Fish Stick. She loves me.

I use Fish Stick for cell phone. Only call cool people. They say "hey".
I say "Yo".

Grampa came over. He coughs a lot. I give him Fish Stick. All better.

Billy yelled at me. Wants Fish Stick. I give him one. But not really. I give him a poop. I think he knew, but he ate it anyway.

Halloween. Dress up like Ghostbuster. Neighbor lady give me donut. I want Fish Stick. She give me candy. I want Fish Stick. She give me pie. I give her kick in shins. She give me Fish Stick.

My Father say shut mouth about Fish Sticks. I call him "Poop Daddy". He give me spanking. Doesn't hurt. Fish Sticks in my back pockets protect me.

Fly to North Korea. I trade them Fish Sticks. They trade me Nuclear weapons. Not a fair trade. They throw in some sneakers. Deal.

Fish Sticks are the truth.

The Ice Cream Test
I like Ice Cream. It's good. But over the years, I have been involved in numerous incidents where my ice cream has fallen out of my hand and onto the ground. Sometimes it's a scoop that falls off the cone. Other times it's a frozen novelty item (ice cream sandwich, choco-taco) that I drop. I can't explain it. I'm like "Clumsy Smurf" when it comes to ice cream. And no, I haven't gotten better at holding onto it now that I'm an adult.

I recently compiled a list of people, places and things that I managed to drop my ice cream on. Then I ranked them and assigned point values based on the situation and how crazy unlucky I was. One other thing I should mention, I ALWAYS PICKED THE ICE CREAM UP AND CONTINUED EATING IT. Dropping it is no big deal, but each time I did, I refused to let it go to waste.

So here is my assignment for you. Read through my list of ice cream mishaps. If one of my disasters has also happened to you at some point in your life, give yourself the points I assigned to that drop. At the end of the Test, tally up your points and go to our forum.
Post your score and see how it compares to everyone else out there who has ever dropped their ice cream. And if you've experienced a crazy drop(and still eaten it) that I don't have on my test, let me know all about it!!!

THE TEST

- Dropping Ice Cream on your pants. (1 point)
- On your hand. (1 point)
- Onto your friend's baseball glove, who catches it for you. (3 points)
- Into a pan of baked beans at a picnic. (3 points)
- Into the ocean. (4 points)
- On my Dad's hairy toes. (4 points)
- On the floor of a doctors office, with sick kids in the room. (5 points)
- Into a bowl of chicken noodle soup. (5 points)
- Onto a basket full of dirty laundry. (5 points)
- Onto a playground full of woodchips and gravel. (5 points)
- On the attic floor, and the dust turns my vanilla ice cream gray. (6 points)
- On the floor of the middle school cafeteria. (6 points)
- All over a muddy car mat in my mom's minivan. (7 points)
- In a sandbox, that the cat regularly uses as a litter box. (7 points)
- On the bathroom floor. (9 points)
- Into a public wading pool. Just minutes before, a two year old went into the pool while wearing a diaper, and then came out of the pool without it! (9 points)
- Onto the floor, and then my dog licked it. Oh yeah, and my dog had just finished licking his own ass. (10 points)
- Dropping my ice cream onto an Ant Hill, and then eating it while numerous ants were crawling all over the cone. My ice cream was crunchy that day. (10 points)

How did you do? My score is 100. I am very curious to see your results!